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Reasons You Are a Hookup and Not a Girlfriend

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We live in a society where it is easy to get into casual hookups and very difficult to get into an actual relationship. With multiple dating apps, your next hookup is just one swipe away. Superficial relationships are being glorified. Real connections are becoming hard to come by.

You may be the kind of girl who always finds herself in casual hookups, even though you desire to get into a committed relationship. Somehow, you find yourself in casual flings that do not last for long.

How you approach relationships will determine how they will turn out in the long term. Whether you end up being a hookup or the girlfriend depends on the early stages of the relationship. Even though you are not entirely to blame for ending up as a hookup, you play an active role in how it all turns out.

In case you are wondering why you always end up as a fling and not a girlfriend, here are the reasons:

You have not made your expectations clear.

You may have been hanging out with a guy casually for a while. Over time you develop feelings for that person, and you would like to make your relationship more serious. 

However, you are too afraid of expressing your true feelings and end up stuck in the casual hook upstage.

 Many women find it difficult to speak their minds. This is as a result of being afraid that you may lose what you already have. You may be fearful that asking a guy for commitment and exclusivity may turn him off. 

If you do not communicate, how will your partner know what you want? He is certainly not a mind reader. 

As uncomfortable as it may be, it is essential to have the big talk. Define what you expect from the relationship before it progresses.

You were too quick to sleep with them

Going to bed on the first date may not necessarily be a bad thing. Some people may do it on the first date and live happily ever after, while others may go intimate on the first day and never speak to each other again. The success of a relationship is not pegged on how fast you engage in this activity.

However, making intimacy the sole focus of your relationship in the early stages may be why you end up as a hookup.

Being hyper-focused on physical intimacy will deny you the opportunity to bond on a deeper level. A relationship that lacks emotional connection has a weak foundation.

Allowing yourself and your partner to get emotionally invested and committed before engaging in this activity will increase your chances of being a girlfriend rather than a hookup.

He is just not that into you.

Another hard truth about why you are just a hookup and not a girlfriend is that he is just not into you. 

It is not guaranteed that two people engaging in intimate activity will have a special connection. Maybe you are not his ideal type of girl, and he does not see a future with you. The bed routine may be amazing. He will stick around for that, but it does not mean that he is willing to commit to you. 

He is not emotionally available.

Being committed involves opening up to the other person. A person who is not emotionally available is not able to open up and be vulnerable with you. You may turn a blind eye to the red flags, but that doesn’t make them go away. 

Signs that someone is emotionally unavailable include:

  • Making excuses when it comes to dates.
  • Never introduces you to family or friends.
  • Never wanting to sleepover because they always have something to catch up on.
  • Shunning conversations about feelings.

They always seem to be readily available when there is a bed involved. Other than that, they are evasive.

The sooner you address such issues, the better for you.

He is happy with the way things are

Another reason you are not a girlfriend is that he is not looking for a girlfriend. Some people like to prioritize career, hobbies, goals, or just themselves. He may not be looking for a committed relationship.

He could be enjoying your company and other perks that come with it but still want to keep his options open when it comes to relationships. He is just happy with the way things are. You are just not a priority. 

Even if you stick around, It is highly unlikely that he will change his mind and decide to get into a relationship. 

The best solution is to talk about these things earlier in the relationship. Let both of you know what you are expecting to get out of the relationship early in advance.

He is not over his ex.

Trying to get into a relationship with someone who is not over their ex yet is a recipe for disaster. Nine times out of ten, it will end in disappointment. 

No matter how great you both feel when you are together, there are high chances that he is not ready to enter another committed relationship. After a while, he may want to explore the chances of getting back together with his ex.

 Watch out for signs of lingering feelings, such as constantly talking about their ex. 

Another sign that he may not be over his ex is a short period since he got out of the previous relationship.

Once you realize he is in such a position, it is best to give him space to work on himself until he is in the right headspace to enter into another commitment.

Hookups could be fun until they’re not. You may want to get into a relationship, but somehow you find yourself being treated as a casual hookup all the time. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Your boyfriend could just not be in the right mindset to commit. At times, you fail to express your relationship expectations early enough. Either way, you can take charge and state your expectations in a relationship. Not only will you get what you want, but also be happier.

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